I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
