Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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