as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
