In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
