I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The uberlube is also flammable
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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