Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
