you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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