Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You left your phone here
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