Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
