i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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