yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize