I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
