You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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