Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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