Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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