____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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