yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You smell like a Billy Joel song
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
