I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
