Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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