Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
