I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
