The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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