someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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