I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
we should paint friendship bongs
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