I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
