Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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