Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
