got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
