Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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