so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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