..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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