I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
