The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
