I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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