I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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