Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
