alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
