He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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