I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
