i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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