he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is Oprah even human
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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