He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
