Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
