no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
