Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
