If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
