he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
