I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
