My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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