so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
