U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
