the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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