I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
