My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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