why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
