Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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