ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
