so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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