I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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