I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm getting married
To pizza
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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