i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
