I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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