i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
