WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Randomize
