hotel room ftw
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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