I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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