he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
