I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
